BEAUTIFUL

I'm sitting at Corner Bakery trying to get some work done between Cole's sporting events, and an older gentleman just came up and gave me a lovely sketch he did of me on a napkin. I was so flattered. How nice that he had been sitting there watching me and thought enough to draw this nice sketch. He even asked my name and wrote "Beautiful Laura" on it. At this point, being called "beautiful" by any man - no matter how old and crooked his teeth are - makes me very happy.

But then I just noticed that one of the older women playing bridge ALSO has one of his sketches. Huh. He wasn't just noticing me. My vanity had to know if he had written "beautiful" on hers. I couldn't help it. I casually walked by her table and saw that hers had the word "sexy" above her name. SEXY? WTH?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I am at least 20 years younger than that woman and have at least 20 fewer wrinkles. Once again my pride has been kicked right out of me, which I probably needed. Don't you hate that whole sanctification thing?

QUIRKY RADAR

It’s official. It’s been one year this month since my last date. My last evening of adult conversation with an available male. I think the well is officially dry, and there’s no hope/potential in sight.

I was thinking back on the dates I have been on (that would be pre-2007) and some of the just plain funny things I’ve experienced. Now, you might not think they’re funny, but I think they’re quite quirky. Some might say my quirky radar is too sensitive, but judge for yourself.

In the past seven years, I have been out with men who:

• Drive a bus for a living.
• Prayed over our meal and thanked God for the red tomatoes on our salads.
• Pulled over at the end of my street to make sure I was going to put on my seatbelt.
• Told me they were recently divorced (as in four days divorced)
• Admitted that they lived with their parents.
• Told me their soon-to-be ex-wife thought they were an alcoholic, as he drank his fourth glass of wine.
• Talked baby talk to their CAT.
• Told me that he and his ex-wife fought more over custody of their dogs than custody of their kids.
• Took me to a lovely fountain to enjoy the sunset - and brought a towel in case we decided to splash around in the fountain. (seriously dude?)
• Talked to me in third person, as in “How is Laura doing?”

Now, those of you who know my dating record realize that this list is a compilation of a mere five to ten men (too depressing for me to actually count the number). It’s a weird dating world out there, and I’ll admit that it just doesn’t take much for me to hoist that red flag right on up the flagpole.

(I need to say here that I am certainly not ungrateful - I have been on some very fun dates, enjoyed some good meals at cool Dallas restaurants, gotten lots of good advice, had great conversations, gotten some good self-esteem boosts and some very thoughtful gifts.)

Maybe if I turned down my quirky radar, I’d have better luck. If nothing else, it might make for some entertaining reading for all of you married gals who wonder about all the great fun us single gals are having.

THAT MAGIC NUMBER

Cole and I were snuggled up on the couch Wednesday night watching old home videos when the phone rang. I checked the caller ID which said "Wireless Caller" followed by 214 and three numbers (313) that made my heart jump a bit. The exchange was familiar....yes, very familiar. It must be that guy I dated a few years back! Calling me!

Here's what went through my mind (no joke): Should I answer it? No. Don't want to appear too eager. And, hey, who does he think he is anyway calling out of the blue and expecting me to answer the phone? He can just leave me a message like other people who I screen.

He didn't leave a message.

Hmm. Should I call him back and say I noticed he called? Too desperate. And why is he calling me? I haven't talked to him in a year. Maybe he's moving. Maybe he's getting married. Maybe he's decided that of the 100s of women that he dates I am THE ONE. Maybe he just wants to go to dinner. Oh god. I weigh about eight pounds more than the last time that I saw him. What would I wear? Have I bought any new going out clothes in the past year? I wouldn't want him to see me wearing one of the same three tops I rotated through when we did go out some.

I continued to snuggle on the couch acting interested in the video of Cole at age three showing off his karate moves -- but with a nice little smile on my face.

The phone rang again. This time it was my ex-husband's phone number. I picked it up, and he said, "Hey I tried to call you awhile ago." My little smile begins to fade. "Really? I didn't see that you called...someone did call about 20 minutes ago from a number I didn't recognize," I said.

"Oh yeah, was it 214-313-blahblahblah?" he said.

Turns out he was calling on his girlfriend's phone. Of course he was.

Just shoot me now.

PARTY WITH THE GROWN-UPS

Had an interesting evening Friday night. Sugared up after an evening of sneaking Cole’s candy out of his trusty orange pumpkin, I headed out on what we’re calling “Operation Truth” - a husband who needed some surveillance. Long story short, I ended up in a raucous bar, dressed in my sweater set from Harold’s and frumpy brown shoes, drinking a Merlot (hey, I don't get out much and frankly, if I'm drinking alcohol I want a glass of red wine!) by myself at an empty table for five right in the middle of the bar. Complicating my mission was the fact that everyone was dressed up in Halloween costumes, keeping the suspect disguised. (Nothing's ever easy!) I was thinking “is this how the other half lives?” Do grown ups really dress up on Halloween? For those of you who were stuck with your little trick-or-treaters Friday night, the answer is “yes.” There’s a whole other world of Halloween out there that involves lots of beer, smoking and dancing. Who knew?